In the fast-paced world of demanding schedules and endless to-do lists, it’s no wonder that the spontaneity of sex in relationships often fades. Many couples turn to the concept of scheduled sex as a way to maintain intimacy amidst life’s chaos. Yet, how couples approach scheduled sex can make all the difference between passion and predictability. Through my work as a therapist, I’ve observed two distinct approaches to scheduled sex: the Affair-Style Approach and the Business-Style Approach.
Drawing on the insights of Esther Perel, David Schnarch, and my own work as outlined in Making Nice with Naughty, this blog explores these two approaches and how couples can infuse excitement, intimacy, and connection into their sexual lives.
The Appeal of Scheduled Sex
Scheduled sex often gets a bad rap because it seems to undermine the romantic ideal of spontaneous desire. However, as Esther Perel reminds us in Mating in Captivity, eroticism thrives on intention and the imagination of possibility—not just impulsive acts. In long-term relationships, where the pressures of daily life can overshadow the spark of connection, scheduling sex can signal commitment to the partnership and to intimacy itself.
David Schnarch, in his work on differentiation in relationships, emphasizes that sexual connection often requires conscious effort. By scheduling sex, couples move beyond waiting for the “perfect moment” and take an active role in creating it. But not all scheduled sex is created equal.
The Affair-Style Approach
Couples who adopt the Affair-Style Approach don’t just put sex on the calendar—they bring it to life through flirtation, anticipation, and playfulness. They might text each other teasing messages throughout the day, leave a note under a pillow, or send suggestive emojis. They engage in mental foreplay, building excitement and desire well before their scheduled encounter.
The name “Affair-Style” is intentional: as research shows, people in affairs tend to invest time and energy into creating anticipation, making each rendezvous feel special and charged with meaning. Perel points out that this is often why affairs feel so alive—it’s not the illicit nature but the effort that transforms mundane moments into erotic ones.
In my book, Making Nice with Naughty, I discuss the power of breaking free from sexual perfectionism by embracing playful imperfection. The Affair-Style Approach aligns with this philosophy, as it invites partners to let go of rigid expectations and experiment with their own creativity and vulnerability. By focusing on the journey rather than the outcome, couples cultivate intimacy and reignite desire.
The Business-Style Approach
On the other hand, the Business-Style Approach treats scheduled sex as just another task to check off the list. While the intent to prioritize intimacy is still there, the execution often lacks the emotional and erotic buildup that makes sex fulfilling.
For Business-Style couples, the experience can become predictable, routine, and, ultimately, uninspiring. These couples might meet in the bedroom at the agreed-upon time with little to no effort to connect emotionally or physically beforehand. Over time, this approach can feel transactional, leaving partners yearning for something more.
Schnarch’s work on sexual boredom highlights how couples fall into these patterns when they avoid risk or vulnerability in their intimacy. Scheduled sex, without intention and playfulness, becomes mechanical—a reflection of the monotony they’re trying to escape.
Shifting from Business to Affair
If your scheduled sex life feels more like a board meeting than a passionate rendezvous, don’t despair. With intention and effort, you can shift from a Business-Style Approach to an Affair-Style Approach. Here’s how:
- Build Anticipation: Flirting isn’t just for new relationships. Use text messages, emails, or even old-fashioned love notes to build excitement before your scheduled time. Share your desires, fantasies, or playful compliments.
- Create Rituals: Just as people in affairs prepare for their encounters with care, you can create rituals that elevate the experience. Light candles, choose special outfits, or plan a sensual activity beforehand, like taking a bath together.
- Stay Curious: Perel notes that eroticism is fueled by curiosity. Ask each other questions about your desires or fantasies, and explore something new together.
- Take Risks: Schnarch’s concept of “wall-socket intimacy” encourages couples to embrace the discomfort of vulnerability to deepen connection. Share something you’ve never shared before, whether it’s a fantasy, a new move, or simply a raw emotion.
- Playfulness Over Perfection: My work emphasizes the need to let go of rigid standards and embrace imperfection. Laugh together, experiment, and focus on the connection rather than the performance.
The Key to Lasting Intimacy
Ultimately, the success of scheduled sex lies not in the act itself but in how it’s approached. The Affair-Style Approach taps into the excitement of anticipation, the creativity of connection, and the vulnerability of shared desire. It’s a way of saying, “I choose you—not just in the moment, but every day, over and over again.”
By shifting from a Business-Style Approach to an Affair-Style Approach, couples can transform routine encounters into moments of joy and passion, rediscovering the erotic energy that brought them together in the first place.
Remember: it’s not about when you have sex but about how you show up for each other. And that, more than anything, makes all the difference
